


True Redemption

by theauthor2010



Category: Glee
Genre: Cutting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-25
Updated: 2011-05-25
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theauthor2010/pseuds/theauthor2010
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Karofsky's life has changed immensely. Nobody is holding who he was against him. Unfortunately, that hurts when he feels he deserves punishment to be truly redeemed. Warnings for self-harm triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	True Redemption

"Earth to David."

Dave blinked as the millions of horrible thoughts in his head scattered for the moment. Kurt stared at him with an expression that dripped with concern. "What?" he asked, shaking his head to try and dismiss the thoughts that still lingered. "I'm sorry. I zoned out there for a second."

"I asked what you got for the first section," he said, gesturing down to the Physics books that were spread out on the desk in front of them. "I'm a little stuck and you're sort of better at this kind of thing than I am."

Dave honestly had not been paying attention to the homework he and Kurt were working on. He had been thinking about other things, namely, how someone like Kurt Hummel could be sitting here with someone like him. They both had the same Physics class and Kurt was confused so Kurt just casually suggested they come do homework together. It was that simple. It shouldn't have been that simple, especially not considering the fact that Dave had made Kurt's life hell for years. Kurt should not have been so willing to just forgive and forget, let the past be past.

"Hold on let me try figuring it out one more time," he said, picking up his notebook and trying his best to focus. God, he was going to start crying if he didn't get his shit together. He worked out the problems Kurt mentioned having trouble with, looking up at Kurt. This was ridiculous. He figured them out pretty quickly, math and science always being his kind of thing. "I think this is what I got." He handed it over to Kurt.

"That looks right," Kurt said. "Are you okay, David?"

No, he was not okay. He was not okay in the slightest.

Becoming closer to Kurt was wonderful but at the same time it hurt him deeply. Dave managed to keep the worst of the bullying away from him but spending time with Kurt meant spending time near such wonderful anecdotes as, "Do you remember that time I got locked in the janitor's closet?"

Yes, Dave did remember that time because he and Azimio had been the ones to lock Kurt in the janitor's closet. He and Azimio were the ones to cackle in the locker room about teaching the fucking queer a lesson. He supposed that Kurt didn't remember that part of the amusing anecdote he and Rachel were blabbering about in front of him. He closed his eyes and tried to shut out the thoughts.

It hurt. It hurt so badly that he could ever be the kind of person who would hurt Kurt and it hurt worse that Kurt forgave him. He closed himself out of the conversation as best as he possibly could.

“Are you okay?” Rachel asked, looking at him and giving him a grin that was almost perky. He felt sick.

No, he wasn't.

Dave came out in September. It was his senior year and he had started to build friendships with Kurt and the other members of the glee club, so why the hell not? It wasn't terrible, even if it sucked. Azimio said he couldn't believe Dave was like that and their friendship ended but it had started drifting the moment his with Kurt began.

He was going insane. He was out and proud and close to Kurt Hummel and company, but nobody called him out on the guy he was or refused to be near him. He actually got closer to guys like Hudson, Chang and Puckerman who followed Kurt's lead a lot more than they knew. Nobody told him to get the hell out because he was the bastard who hurt Kurt and so many of them.

The residual effects of the bullying on Kurt were so hard to see. Kurt was not being bullied in the way that he used to be but he still paused and flinched, visibly, when a door or locker slammed shut. He watched his sides when he walked through the hallway, always afraid. Dave was the reason that he was so afraid. Dave was the reason that he wasn’t okay now, even though the bullying was long gone.

Sometimes, he even saw residue of Kurt’s fear of him. He approached Kurt in the hallway, to ask him a question about his upcoming glee audition. Yes, he was auditioning for glee, because his former social reputation was dust in the wind and most of his remaining friends were the glee club kid. “Hey Kurt, can I ask you something?” he asked, leaning up against the locker.

Kurt turned to face him as his body slammed against the rickety lockers and the fear flickered through his eyes. The fear was there. It was only for a second, merely a flicker of terror, which was immediately replaced by a smile. “I’m really excited for your audition,” Kurt said smiling brightly. “We’re still going with Sinatra right? I’m coming over to help you out. You are going to be fabulous.”

Dave could barely speak, blinded by that terror.

“You okay?” Kurt asked casually.

“Yeah,” he lied and made every excuse to get away.

When he was alone, Dave began to tally up all the horrible things that he had done to Kurt. He couldn’t even remember the first time that he bullied Kurt Hummel. He supposed it was probably in his freshman year since he targeted in on Kurt’s sexuality. He had been a Lima resident for his entire life but his attention hadn’t been drawn to Kurt until they got to high school and he got more exposure to the flaming, flamboyant and brilliant boy.

He taunted Kurt. He couldn’t even count how many times that he had used the word fag, all the while holding back his own sexuality. He made crude jokes with his friend about Kurt being fucked by guys and…God he had said so many horrible things. He had treated Kurt in ways that nobody would treat a real person, a human being. Kurt was a human being with real feelings and emotions.

Along with his gang of goons, Dave had tormented Kurt physically, too. They were all bigger than him and used that to their advantage. They had locked him in places, like bathrooms and the infamous janitor’s closet. They had tossed him into dumpsters! They physically intimidated him and shoved him into lockers. How many bruises was Kurt bearing from the locker checks, the shoving and the pushing?

How did Kurt feel to be shoved and beaten down both physically and emotionally? It was a miracle that he didn’t kill himself. Dave knew that if he had been in the same position he would have taken a shotgun to his head in a second.

When he saw Kurt, he saw the most wonderful, loving, beautiful person that he had ever seen and he wanted to die knowing that he had been part of continuous effort to destroy that spirit.

It was overblown, silly and ridiculous but he wanted to hurt someone. The guidance counselor had told him once that his bullying behaviors were a result of deep anger issues and God, now he knew she was right. He hurt people because of the rage. He wanted to hurt Kurt because Kurt always represented what he was afraid to be. Now that he was the person he had been afraid to be, he wanted to hurt Kurt for being so damned selfless and unforgiving.

He wanted to hurt himself. It was horrible and Dave was smart enough to know it wouldn’t erase the past but he wanted to feel the pain he’d made Kurt feel. He wanted to suffer the way that he had made the person he loved suffer.

It was a thought that lingered in the back of his mind for days. He could punish himself. He could make himself hurt enough to absolve the guilt that was disturbing his sleep, his heart, his life. It took another week for Dave to actually cut himself. He carefully drew the razor blade up his wrist but only made a shallow cut before he panicked and stopped. He was not going to be a wrist-cutting cliché.

It would have been alright if he put the thought away but on the same day he made a deep cut in his upper arm with the same blade. Fuck, it hurt. He couldn’t imagine the act making anyone feel better, but the deeper he dug it, the more it hurt. Hurt, in a strange way made things better. He was surprised that he was, in moments, actually trying to dig it a little deeper, make it hurt a little worse.

The pain made everything feel forgivable, for a second until it subsided and he washed the blood away. He felt calmer, more focused and more likely to forgive himself. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He couldn’t do that again, but for a moment, it felt like he was on a path toward forgiving himself. That was a good thing, no matter how it was obtained. Contrary to popular belief, Dave did not like to be a self-loathing gay lunatic.

Dave came to school the next week feeling hopeful, rejuvenated and focused. He had his audition for glee club and it was flawless in his humble opinion. Well, not flawless but it was pretty damned good for a guy who had never done something like that in his life. Mr. Schuester seemed impressed and he even had Rachel nodding in quiet approval during the number. He was proud of himself.

Kurt was proud of him too. He rushed up to his side and squeezed his hand, grinning. “That was brilliant!” he said. “Who would have thought that you had a great voice hiding underneath all of the…stuff you used to be? Not me, that’s for sure.”

All the stuff he used to be. Dave grimaced at that but there was very little that could take him from the high singing, glee club and Kurt had put him up on. He felt good about himself.

Of course, the high wasn't long lived and the self-doubt and self-loathing set back in pretty quickly. He was a member of New Directions now and spent a hell of a lot more time around Kurt. He watched as Kurt had hair-trigger reactions to anything that could be a bullying threat. He watched as Kurt still subconsciously showed signs of seeing him as a bullying threat. He put his hand on Kurt's shoulder during a dance routine? There was a distinct flinch. He stepped close to Kurt with a jerky step? Kurt backed off. He was still Dave Karofsky the bully in Kurt's mind. That was when the path of absolving himself through self-injury got longer and more winding.

Cutting into his skin was easy and it hurt. It was an appropriate punishment for all the shit he put Kurt through. He let the blade sink deep and got closer than ever to something that resembled forgiving himself. The blood that dripped down his forearm was like all of the hate he had for himself just dripping off in splashes. Of course, he was a human being and his heart pumped blood at rapid rates. The hate always came back.

Dave started being careful about discretion when Mike noticed the scars on his forearm. Sectionals was approaching and Mike was catching him up on the choreography. "Dude, what happened to your arm?" Mike asked.

He froze.

"My mom's stupid cat slashed me up," he lamented, the bullshit story rolling off of his tongue. He knew he needed the cuts but everyone else would think he was a stupid ass with a problem.

Mike bought the story and Dave started doing everything to keep the scars hidden. He cut into his stomach, his hip, his thigh; he cut anywhere that was less noticeable. It worked. He got to be close friends with Kurt without his guilt crippling him. He didn't care what negatives came of his self-inflicted punishment. He was happy.

Getting closer to Kurt was wonderful. At the beginning of the previous year Dave had literally dreamed of a time when he and Kurt would be friends. Kurt called and texted from time to time, asked him for help with his homework ("because you're a closeted nerd too, oh my god") and generally confided in him. It wasn't until he broke up with Blaine that Dave realized as a close, male, gay friend of Kurt's...well, he stood a chance.

Just when he considered himself presumptuous and stupid to think he had a chance Kurt played with the idea. He asked him out, well, sort of. "David," he said bluntly. "Blaine and I broke up three weeks ago and though I don't want to make it an official date or anything, would you like to accompany me to the Homecoming dance?"

He nearly pissed himself. Kurt. Kurt Hummel. Asking him to a dance. It was beyond his wildest dreams. Kurt Hummel had asked him to go to the homecoming dance. "Yes," he said, knowing well that the doubt would creep in as soon as he got home. Predictably, it did.

He cut deep that night, watching his skin part under the knife. "Fuck," he hissed, letting the blood drip down his leg. "You're not fucking good enough. Hummel's a goddamned angel and you're not fucking good enough. Don't kid yourself. Don’t you fucking kid yourself." He had not, in his opinion, paid enough for his sins. He still hurt Kurt. He was still a fuckup.

He got dizzy from how much blood he lost that night but it was just a dance. He told Kurt how excited he was the next day knowing nothing could come of it. “I can’t wait,” Kurt said, flashing a brilliant smile. “Wear something with red in it. I trust you to make your own fashion choices, unlike my previous boyfriend.”

He picked a suit jacket with a red shirt that looked fantastic. He was prepared for this. Of course, there was the little detail that he was covered in scars because of who he used to be.

Homecoming was always pretty cheesy in Dave's opinion, but this time he was going with Kurt Hummel. He met Kurt in front of the gym, overwhelmed by how good his long time crush looked. Kurt was one of the most beautiful men in the world, if not the most. He was beyond perfect and the fact that he and Dave were going to the dance, even as friends, had to be some kind of gigantic cosmic joke. “You look awesome,” Kurt said and Dave had to wonder how deranged the boy was. Dave had pulled himself together with an old suit and red tie but it was just…he looked stupid, he always looked stupid.

“I…really?” he asked, tilting his head to the side, detecting no insincerity at all in Kurt’s voice. “You look beyond amazing Kurt.”

“Yes, really,” Kurt said beaming. “I think you do have a gay man’s fashion sense beneath all of the sports jerseys and letterman jackets. I’m proud of you.”

Dave was about to tease Kurt for being stereotypical when Kurt took off in front of him to go inside.

The dance was surprisingly uneventful, considering the last dance they both attended had resulted in total humiliation on Kurt’s part. They hung out with their friends, drank punch that was unfortunately not spiked and Kurt asked him to dance. “C’mon,” he said smiling. “You’re my date, David; you have to dance with me.”

Dancing with Kurt was as much of a dream as he thought it would be. Kurt was a great dancer and his body pressed up to Dave, Dave felt so perfect. All of his self doubt and hatred took a vacation while he danced to some cheesy romantic song with the boy he’d had a crush on for years. It was completely dreamy.

After the dance, it was obvious that he wasn’t the only one who had an amazing time. “Um,” Kurt mumbled softly, looking up at Dave. They were standing outside at Dave’s truck. “Do you think that maybe you’d like to go on an actual date sometime?” Kurt asked. “I mean, I had so much fun tonight and I could tell that you did too. So, why not?”

He knew Kurt was trying to detach because of the fact that he was newly single from his first relationship; he knew this logically but his mind screamed at him that Kurt was settling for the nearest gay male. Kurt could never want to date his bully.

“Yes,” he mumbled, blurting it out. “If you want to um, go out sometime that’d be great. I gotta get home Kurt. My dad will be pissed if I’m late. Bye.”

“The dance, oh, it was awesome,” Dave mumbled, making his way through a typical parent talk with his father. He had to hand it to his dad; the man was trying his hardest to be open and supportive now that he knew the truth about his son’s sexuality. Dave had always been afraid of the way he would react but he ended up being very strong, very supportive and helping Dave through everything. “Yeah, I got some stuff I need to go get done so I’ll see you before bed,” he told the man, dismissing himself to his room. He needed it more than he ever really had.

He did it in the shower this time. He always had so much blood to clean up that it seemed logical. He leaned back against the wall of the shower and dug the razor blade into his hip, just above the bone. He hissed at the sudden rush of pain. He made two shallow cuts and watched with detachment as the blood flowed down the drain. “Good,” he breathed out loud. “Better.”

The shallow cuts didn’t do much and he dug a little deeper to get where he needed to be, mentally. He did what he had to do and cleaned it up. Everything would be alright. What he did just washed away what was wrong, so it would be alright.

Monday afternoon after the dance, Dave finished up football practice. He was glad that the season was back on and it really seemed like Coach Beiste would lead them to another Championship victory. They also had the homecoming game to worry about now. He showered alone, like he always did, listening to the hollow sounds of the McKinley High gym. The water ran over his face.

“David.”

He stopped and looked up to see Kurt looking him in the eye. He was naked and staring Kurt in the eye. "Kurt," he whispered, desperately groping for the towel to cover him up. Kurt's eyes dropped from his face and down to the multitude of deep scars.

Finally, Dave found his towel and wrapped it around his waist. It covered most of the scars; the stains of what he had done were hidden underneath the fabric. “What the fuck are you doing in here, Hummel?” he asked. He had not behaved this way around Kurt in months and he hated that he was doing it now, but he couldn’t help it. “You know most guys would beat you up for coming in here and staring them down naked!”

“You’re not one of those guys anymore,” Kurt said softly, seriously. “Plus, Finn told me that you always took a shower after everyone else left. I knew that I would find you all alone here.”

“Oh cause that makes it so much less creepy,” Dave said, meeting Kurt’s eyes, even though his instinct was to flinch away.

“Drop the towel, David,” Kurt said. His voice was strong and unwavering.

“Not ready for gay sex yet Hummel, sorry,” Dave joked, but it was a real half assed attempt at making a joke. Kurt wasn’t buying it and stared at him, anger building. “Maybe next week.”

“Drop the towel, now,” Kurt said.

Dave wondered where Kurt had learned this. Where had the small, vulnerable, bullied teen learned this kind of confidence? It was beyond amazing. Dave felt compelled to do just what he was saying. He lowered the towel without thinking, revealing his naked body and the scars that were covering it. They lined his thighs and hips neatly.

“You can put it back up,” Kurt said, giving him the freedom to at least cover his nudity. Dave covered himself up but was made completely vulnerable by Kurt’s next words. “Why are you doing it?” he asked. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

He stepped out of the shower and walked into the locker room, going to find some clothes. Kurt followed him and it was obvious that the boy he once bullied was not going to take no for an answer and wasn’t going to deal with his evasiveness.

“Why?” he asked, looking over at Kurt. “Why?”

“Yes, David, I am asking you why.”

“I tortured you and your friends, Kurt. I threw frozen drinks in your face, shoved you into lockers, threatened to kill you and kissed you against your will. I did so many unforgivable things and yet everyone just forgives me for what I’ve done.”

Kurt paused, obviously wanting more, so Dave gave it to him.

“Nobody’s called me out on what I’ve done. Nobody’s said that they can never forgive me. I’m making friends and I’m a member of the goddamned glee club. My father’s accepted me for who I am. The boy that I’ve always dreamed of being with, you, took me to the homecoming dance during your senior year. I’m getting everything I’ve wanted with absolutely zero repercussions and it’s driving me insane. I do not deserve this!”

“Who says that?” Kurt asked simply, sitting down while Dave dressed. “Who says that you don’t deserve to be happy?”

Dave swallowed and found that he couldn’t answer Kurt. He just knew that he didn’t deserve to be forgiven for everything that he had done and he didn’t deserve to feel the happiness that kept slowly creeping into his life. He didn’t deserve it at all. “I don’t know…” he whispered softly.

“Is forgiveness really that difficult to understand in your world?” Kurt asked and Dave realized that he was crying. Oh god, there were tears sparkling in his pretty eyes. He hated that he made Kurt cry but at the same time was fascinated by the appearance of those tears. “I forgave you, not because I felt obligated to, but because I forgave you. I realize now that the things you did were fueled by confusion, self-hate and so many other factors. I don’t think what you did was good, of course, but I can’t hold the past against you.”

“Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me!” Dave yelled, aggravated. He pulled on his jeans and a shirt, feeling much more comfortable when covered up. “Nobody’s punished me for the things that I’ve done. Nobody’s said: No, Dave, you fucked up so you don’t get shit.”

He closed his eyes and couldn’t help the sob that ripped itself out of him. He was so tired. He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want to feel anything at all. He was so tired of feeling so much.

“Do you think maybe this is your way of trying to control things?” he asked. “Dave, you don’t get to ask people to punish or judge you, so you punish yourself. That’s not okay. Nobody would want this for you. Nobody would wish self injury and pain on their worst enemy.”

“I should be your worst enemy.”

“You’re not,” Kurt snapped. “So deal with it Dave. I like you. You’re a nice guy. You’re funny and sweet and beneath that bully I hated was a good person. You are a good person.”

Dave knew that Kurt was right. He wasn’t a saint but he was trying his best to be a good person. “I don’t think I can stop doing it,” he said. It didn’t matter that he knew Kurt was right. He also knew that he was absolutely incapable of stopping. “It helps me every time I feel like I don’t deserve something. I do it every time…”

Kurt nodded slowly. “I’m going to help you,” he said, laying a hand down on the other boy’s shoulder. “I am going to help you with everything but I can’t do it alone. Can I go home with you Dave? We need to start to take care of this.”

Dave swallowed and nodded, unsure of what Kurt was going to do.

“I would never let a friend hurt,” he said, rubbing his shoulder lightly. “C’mon Dave, we’ll take your truck. I left mine in the shop today.”

They walked into the house together. Dave's father was in the living room watching television. Kurt took Dave over to the living room, not allowing him to back out of talking to him. "Mr. Karofsky," he said, announcing their presence.

The man looked up, frowning. "Kurt, right?" he said, moving to stand. "What's going on?"

"Sit back down Dad," Dave said softly.

Kurt took a breath and sat across from the man with Dave. "Mr. Karofsky, Dave really needs to talk to you and well I came along to sort of be the moral support."

"What's wrong David?"

Dave looked at his father and the words kind of just came pouring out. “Dad,” he said softly. “I have to confess to you what a horrible person I was. I mean, you know that I bullied Kurt and messed with him and his friends but I was…truly horrible. I…I pushed Kurt into lockers and threw things at him and…and…Dad, when I was really messed up in the head about my sexuality, about being gay, he confronted me. When he confronted me I got so upset, it was all boiling up and I kissed him.” Kurt looked down in shame and embarrassment but Dave couldn’t stop the words from flowing. “I stole a kid’s first kiss because I was so messed up about the fact that I was gay,” he , said. “I was a horrible person.”

It took a long time for his father to say anything. “Are you still doing this to Kurt?” he asked.

“No,” Kurt said quietly. “He’s not.”

“Kurt, how do you feel about this?” the man asked.

Kurt took a deep breath. “I hate what Dave was,” he said. “I hate that his self-hatred and fear took him to such horrible heights and made him do horrible things. I understand it though and I forgive him. He’s trying his best to make good.”

Paul nodded slowly. “David?”

“I can’t stop hating myself for it,” Dave confessed, desperate to get everything that he was feeling off of his chest. “I can’t stop wondering why people are forgiving me. I mean look, Dad, even you’re forgiving me even though I sexually harassed someone I cared about. I-I don’t get why nobody will just…punish me for what I’ve done I guess.”

“David, you need to tell him,” Kurt said gently.

“I’ve been doing it for myself Dad,” Dave whispered, tears flowing heavily. He didn’t care that Kurt was watching or he was in front of his dad, who had always been a man’s man. He was crying and it felt good to cry. “I’ve been…hurting myself,” he mumbled, even lower. “It’s just made me feel better, like I could possibly deserve all the happiness I’m getting. If I hurt myself then at least someone was making me own up to everything that I’ve done. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just felt like I had to. I want to stop. I don’t know if I can, but I want to stop.”

He gasped out loud, surprised when his father stood up and pulled him into a tight hug. “David,” he said softly. “Oh David. We’re going to get help for this, okay? This isn’t okay. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved. I hate that I never realized how much you were hurting but no, no you don’t deserve this. It’s okay…”

He listened to the comforts, trying to believe them and trying to be strong.


End file.
